DaveAustria.com / People Photos / CC BY-NC-ND

A guy in Detroit was farting on his girlfriend and she was screaming "Stop! No!" and there was such a ruckus that a neighbor thought she was being abused. (Physically abused, that is. Farting on someone is pretty gross and heinous, but it won't leave any physical scars.) According to a local CBS affiliate, "The concerned party also said that, in between shouts, she heard a repeated loud noise." That's my favorite part. WHAT DID THAT GUY EAT? Yikes.

The cops had a good sense of humor about it. They wrote in their report that they "cleared the scene expeditiously". I bet.